Truly Tasteless Jokes

[ThunderVamp9]

Got something so bad, so raunchy, so horrible that you just HAVE to share it? Let's do them here.

WARNING: These jokes can be extremely offensive. If you are offended by racial, sexist, homophobic etc jokes, then go elsewhere. Criticism of posted jokes will be removed. This is a place to laugh about these things, to just laugh at our own inner racist/sexist/homophobe that we all have. Just laugh. Don't cause problems.

It's sad I have to have such a disclaimer here....



Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a second look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were each given 8 pints of beer to be drank within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

• gained weight
• talked excessively without making sense
• became overly emotional
• couldn't drive well
• failed to think rationally
• argued over nothing
• had to sit down while urinating
• couldn't perform sexually
• and refused to apologize when wrong......

[ThunderVamp9]

Did you hear about the house the two lesbians built?

There were no studs; it was all tongue-and-groove.

[ThunderVamp9]

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

[ThunderVamp9]

Q: How can you tell if your roommate's gay?

A: His dick tastes like shit.

[ThunderVamp9]

Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the Frog's finger

[ThunderVamp9]

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[ThunderVamp9]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[ThunderVamp9]

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."

[ThunderVamp9]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."

The boss says, "You fuck your sister??"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

[ThunderVamp9]

So I'm standing on the corner and this hooker approaches me. She says, "I'll give you a blowjob for twenty bucks."

I said, "But I'm a married man."

She say, "So."

I said, "So, my wife will do it for ten."

[ThunderVamp9]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making
love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom
window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her
vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me,
there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband
immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky
situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir
would permit." The husband being very
concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to
get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK,
what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis
and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee
getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and
the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's
vagina. The husband nodded and gave his
approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get
on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with
honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few
gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has
noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So
the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor
began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began
to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was
enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's
breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and
shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think
you're doing?" The doctor, still
concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the
bastard!"

[ThunderVamp9]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black, totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly, white patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious art critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[ThunderVamp9]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[ThunderVamp9]

A guy asks a chick "Can I smell your pussy?"

The chick replies "Absolutely not!"

So, with a squeamish look on his face, the guy says "Goddamn, that must be your feet then!"

[ThunderVamp9]

first-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention!"